Breaking Up Heartache

Probably one of the worst situations anyone can be faced with is the break up of a relationship when it is the last thing that was wanted.

Anyone who has ever fallen in love will almost certainly have also experienced relationships ending in disharmony, maybe many times, before they found a more permanent relationship.

Breaking up does not get easier each time it occurs. It is always just as painful as before, and can be even harder to deal with for those that have been in established relationships for many years. The grief and sense of loss can be devastating and totally disrupting to normal life.

I once had a friend who, after some twelve years of marriage, committed suicide because his wife took up with someone else. He just couldn't come to terms with that loss. His whole life began to disintegrate and there was nothing anyone could do to console him. This was a sad loss to those left behind but the tragedy is that if only the difficulties in their relationship had been tackled sooner, there is a good chance that they would not have parted.

There are times when it is difficult to get along and yet there are ways of dealing with oppositions and disagreements which, if implemented in good time, can rescue the relationship before it deteriorates to the point that parting becomes an inevitability.

Often it is all too easy to argue rather than to discuss and even though the partners may not yet have parted, the arguments evidence the separation which lies near to the surface. Nothing is achieved through hostility other than self gratification for the perceived 'winner' of the argument. But all too often even the 'winner' is left with a feeling of emptiness when the heat of the moment has passed.

Jealousy is another common factor in causing disharmony and it is not called 'the green-eyed monster' for nothing.

When I was in my late teens I lost my first real girlfriend to jealousy. I was so possessive of her that I made her feel smothered and this had the effect of driving her away from me.

I didn't know it then, but the fact is that I was not expressing love. I was expressing a terrible lack of security which sought sanctuary in the idea of attempting to possess my girlfriend as though she were some sort of security blanket. I was very foolish, but I would never criticize anyone who suffers from jealousy, anymore than I would criticize someone who was suffering from cancer. Jealousy is a condition which needs treatment and like cancer, the sooner the symptoms are recognized and treated, the better the chance of a cure.

The subject of romantic relationships is too broad and complicated to be summed up in a brief article but there is plenty of help available to anyone who sincerely looks for it. The worst thing anyone can do is to ignore, or try to overlook any difficulties which are showing up. It is far better to be honest with yourself and your partner and to preserve the relationship by confronting the difficulties before they either become obscured through quarrelling or else create an unbridgeable gulf.

Although it seems obvious that it is mutual attraction which hold two people together in a relationship, it should not be taken for granted that the attraction is permanent and self maintaining.

Relationships need to be worked on, and after several experiences of being deeply broken hearted myself, I think I can say with some wisdom that love is as much a KNOWLEDGE as it is, an attraction.

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